Yeah...Its Real😖

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" And then I think that maybe I was designed only to bear the astronomical amount of pain."

Losing myself in the deep cave with a terrific amount of darkness where my whole body admits the fact that there is no way out, there is no light on the other side of the cave. My heart, my whole system is shaking with the anxiety that, I might get succumbed in this terrific ocean of my own imagination and would never be able to acknowledge how it feels to be a freely flying bird with a lot of happiness and not a single thing to worry about...just keep moving, keep speeding toward the horizon.

 Likewise, sometimes a part of me feels like there is nothing to get outta my bed..I mean the sole purpose of life fade away, sometimes these tears automatically streaming through my eyes and so sadly, I can't revive myself out, it becomes extremely hard for me to embrace who I feels like there remains no individuality of mine, I feel like some part of me got robbed so ruthlessly that my remaining body is screaming loud as much as it can..but there nobody to whom I can complain to and the noise just echoing inside my head, a piece of me thinks like the cave I am in right now is too dim and horrifying that only thing I could do is let myself vanish pitifully and I just feel like a burden to the mother earth.

When I witnessed corpses are bringing to the banks for obsequy funeral and a portion of mine wish that the corpses they are bringing was mine..and unwillingly this makes me satisfied. Someday I wake up slowly and mumble like, "shit I am still alive. why? When I go to bed at night with a sensation which gonna cause the flood of my dears and I plead not to wake up in the morning but die.  Nowadays, sleep which I preferred a lot does not remain sleep anymore, it takes a mysterious structure of escape... escapes from reality, escapes from myself, escape from the cosmos. And involuntarily darkness becomes a comfort zone, loneliness becomes so familiar..literally, it becomes my best friend, overthinking become my assistant and of course death become my ultimate goal.

  I totally converted numb and I feel like what happiness was or it even exists. At this instance, I get to know that there is no bottom to the dark well of pain. Depression is a  life-sucking parasite that will suck you until it ended up your life. At this moment the only thing against me is within myself, My thought controls me rather than I control them, the only thing that more painful and exhausting than getting depressed is pretending that you are not.  it really tore our soft heart apart, the whole system got crash and everything seem illogical and meaningless. That's why the depression never can be considered as a joke it's real and yeah it just impairs you. 


" I just want a day where it feels like I am not falling apart anymore."


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